Is There Sacrifice?

Did I Sacrifice My Family?
Being a foster parent is extremely satisfying and can be a lot of fun, especially when you see how you've helped a child.  But it can come with a cost.  Looking back on our 13 years of fostering, sometimes I feel as if I took too much from my family to satisfy my need to help others.

Sometimes I wish we could have been a normal family.  Sometimes I feel like we deprived our children of special times in their childhood.  Sometimes I feel guilty.  Sometimes.

We couldn't afford to do the things their friends were doing.  Going out to eat, going to the movies or to an amusement park, or just buying new clothes were things we couldn't do.  We had too many children.  But you have to remember, if you've read my past posts on fostering, we had 4 boys that were long-term and usually an extra 1 or 2 brought in for a weekend...plus our own 4.  Our county had a great need, we had a big house and lots of love, and foster homes were at a minimum. 

But Lisa had to give up her privacy, Michelle had to give up some alone time with Mom, and Steve had to share his room with 3 other boys.  Amy was too young to realize that this wasn't the way most people lived...with kids coming and going for most of her childhood.  When she started kindergarten and the teacher asked her how many sisters and brothers she had, she answered sincerely and innocently "2 sisters and 4 brothers".

So yes, there were sacrifices that my children had to make.  But we also made many, many good memories.  Memories of so many presents under the Christmas tree, and laughter that never seemed to stop.  Basketball in the backyard, and camping with 8-10 kids.  Memories of hugs, so many hugs, and long talks with children that never had anyone listen to them before.  And neighborhood kids wanted to hang out there because we were the fun family.  But they could go home when it became too much.  My kids couldn't.

I have a short story to tell you about one special little 6 year old. He had just come into our home and I had to take him to the emergency room to have his bruises checked and photographed for a possible court hearing. He'd been beaten by his mother's boyfriend. He was afraid and a little tearful when he asked me, "Why did I have to leave? I didn't do anything wrong. He hit me." I did the best I could by telling him that he had to leave so he could be protected and not be hit anymore until the police could take care of the man that hit him.

Because of  seeing what parents can do to their children, and the depths of pain children can feel, my own children have grown into extremely kind, compassionate, and tolerant adults.  They have no prejudice to race, disability or sexual orientation.  Everyone has families and busy lives now, so we can't get together as much as we'd like, but when we can all get together, it's like we're back in that big house and they're all teenagers again...laughing at each other...and me.

So if you've ever entertained the idea of taking in children that need a temporary home, you don't have to do it like we did, as a group home and so many kids at a time.  You can just help one, just one child at a time, and make such a difference in that one child's life.  There are over 500,000 children in foster homes in the U.S. alone.  That's a lot of kids that need a hug and a kind word, as well as a bed and food on the table. There may be a child out there that needs you.

Have you ever seen a child abused or neglected?  Or seen a child eat out of the trash bins behind Pizza Hut? (I've heard they have the best throw-away food.)  Have you ever wanted to step in and just pull that child to you?   Have you ever thought about being a foster parent?  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Quotes of the Day:
Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. ~ Judith Lewis Herman

Child abuse casts a shadow the length of a lifetime. ~ Herbert Ward

Hard Choices When Fostering Kids

The Kids We Couldn't Keep:
Over the 13 years we were foster parents, 69 kids became temporary members of our family.  Of those 69, there were maybe 4 children that we should have probably have not taken in.  These were the ones that put tension and stress on the whole family.  One was a run-away that eventually went to a juvenile detention center and one told how his hero was Hitler (I found him explaining to my 6 year old in detail how Hitler would kill pregnant women).  We hung in there with these 2 since they were only short term...just a week or so.  But the other 2 we did actually call the agency and ask them to find other homes for.

The first one was a young man that had some severe psychological issues.  He was a loner and all but refused to join in with the other kids.  He was rude to everyone and made several of the kids very uncomfortable.  But we'd had kids with problems before and were prepared to help him all we could.  Then one day all the kids went swimming at the local pool...this young man included.  A couple hours later, he showed up at the house, alone and obviously agitated.  During horseplay at the pool, he'd gotten splashed and bumped around and he didn't like it.  Then he proceeded to tell me in extremely graphic detail how he was going to kill the boy that had bumped him (a foster).  I would have taken notice if he'd just said "I'm gonna kill him" but when he gave me details on exactly how he was going to do it, I knew we were in dangerous territory.  As soon as he went to his room, I was on the phone to the agency and he was gone before the other kids got home from the pool.

The safety of the kids in our home was of utmost importance to me.  The most important thing.  So when one is threatened so severely by another, that's when the threat has to be removed.

The only other one we had to call the agency for was a sadder case.  I really thought long and hard about this one because I was not one who gave up easily on any of these kids.  I understood they came from problems and usually brought those problems with them.  But this young girl brought a little more with her than I could handle.

I am the least prejudiced person you will ever meet so when I heard that this young girl (if I remember right, she was about 8 or 9) came from a home that included her mother and her mother's female partner, I didn't think anything of it....until...I found out both mothers were arrested for sexually abusing their children...the young girl with us and two young boys.  Then I was told, after she'd spent one night and I'd already taken her to her special school the next day, that I might want to keep an eye on her because she may crawl in bed with my 6 yr. old daughter.  Not because she'd want to hurt her but this was the only life she'd known.

The number one rule in any foster home is simple...no matter how much you want to help other children, no matter how much you care about them...your own children's needs and safety have to come first.  I couldn't take a chance that she just might want to sleep with my daughter a little too closely, like she was used to in her sexually abusive home.  I couldn't take the chance that she'd touch my daughter just to be close.  The agency tried to reassure me that this probably wouldn't happen...but I'm sorry, that wasn't good enough. 

I recommended that they place this young girl in a home that didn't have young children that could be vulnerable.  Teenagers or adults only would be a much better choice.  They had to listen to me because I refused to let her spend another night.  Now don't get me wrong...I really felt for this child.  Her circumstances broke my heart.  She didn't ask for the problems she'd had to endure.  She needed help so badly and a home to live in, but for the sake of my child, it wasn't going to be mine. I felt better about my decision when I learned she was placed with an older couple whose children were grown.

Sometimes you have to make the hard choices.  Would your choice have been the same as mine?

The Affair by Lee Child:

I've been a fan of Lee Child's books for a long time.  His Jack Reacher series never fails to satisfy my need for thrills and suspense.  Reacher is ex-military and is now spending his days walking and hitchhiking around the U.S. seeing things he could never have seen during his years in the army.  But, as with all of his novels, trouble is always waiting around the next bend in the road.

In The Affair, Child has taken us back to 1997 when Reacher is still a captain in the Army.  He's assigned to investigate a murder in a small town but there are many people, some as high as Washington DC, that want to stop him at any cost. 

Unrelenting suspense that takes you back to the beginning of the Reacher saga, a thriller that takes you to the edge and beyond.  I highly recommend The Affair and all of the others in the Jack Reacher series.  You won't be disappointed.

Quotes of the Day:
It's just not normal for people to put their hands on our children like this. If we do this, we're going to jail for child abuse. ~ Shauna Manning

Simply having children does not make mothers. ~ John A. Shedd

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Foster Parenting

Why Would Anyone Want To Foster?
Let me tell you why.  Once upon a time we took in 2 brothers after the death of their mother.  They were neighbors that played with my son and had been temporarily placed in our local children's home.  Knowing the home was closing, we jumped through all the necessary hoops to get licensed as foster parents so they wouldn't have to go with strangers.  And what followed was 13 years of memory making.

Who would have thought that we'd go from helping 2 brothers that needed a home to becoming a group home with up to 10 kids at a time?  But we found out that the agency had a problem placing teenagers.  So much baggage and hard feelings came with them.  But our kids were young teens and we wanted to help so we agreed to take in the older kids.  Well, that started something we couldn't have stopped if we wanted to. 

A total of 69 children, different ages and races, but mostly all teenagers, spent anywhere from one night to a month to years as a part of our family.  What we had was a lot of laughter, a few tears, occasional fights, but on a whole, more fun than we could ever have hoped for.  With that many kids, there were only a handful that we couldn't keep.  Their stories and the reasons why we had to send them on will be in a different post, but it wasn't a decision we made lightly.

We had a few rules that no one seemed to mind.  Pick up after yourself, help with the daily and Saturday chores, no fighting and most of all, no one got special treatment.  Natural or foster, all the kids were a part of our family for as long as they were with us. 

Unlike the bad press that foster homes get, we weren't in it for the money.  We honestly were in it to help these kids out of a temporarily bad situation.  We had basketball, softball, camping trips and occasionally we would find the money to take everyone out to eat.  Any discipline would fit the child - from losing phone privileges to an earlier bedtime or maybe plain old simple grounding.   And if the kids wanted something changed, they'd call a family meeting and we'd discuss whatever was bothering them.

The kids formed a bond and all had each others backs.  And I was like a mother hen when it came to protecting each and every one of them.  And through the years the faces changed but the 2 original brothers we started out with remained with us until they each left for college.  And those 2 brothers, both in their 40's now, are still a part of our family. 
My own children learned so much...compassion, tolerance, acceptance...and are very caring adults now.  We had hoped to make a difference in the lives of the children we brought into our family, but I have to admit, we got so much more back then we could ever have imagined. 

In the United States alone, there are over 500,000 children in foster care.  If you've ever thought of fostering, you don't have to take in 69 kids like we did.  But you could make the difference in the life of one child.

The Last Child by John Hart:

I will never profess to know how to write a book review.  But I love to read and share what I've read with others.  The Last Child, another book by John Hart (my new favorite author) has left me speechless.  Never have I read a book that took me so many places and made me feel so many different sensations.  It is so well-written and the locations described in such a way that I feel I am there, though it never takes away from the story.  But it's the characters that make me feel so much. 

The story is told mainly through the eyes of a 14 year old boy who is trying to find his sister.  She disappeared a year ago and Johnny is desperately trying to put his family back together with just a map, his bike, and a plan. 

The other main character, police detective Clyde Hunt, has also been searching for Johnny's sister, but even he can't imagine how far Johnny will go to learn the truth - or what he will find when he gets there.

The suspense is non-stop, the twists and turns will leave you breathless, and you will come away from this book wanting it to go on and on.  I can't wait till the next novel by John Hart comes out.  For me personally, he has risen above James Patterson...okay maybe he's just right up there with him...but Hart is good.

Quotes of the Day:
He who teaches children learns more than they do. - German Proverb

A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove . . . But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child. - Forest E. Witcraft

Abuse on a Different Level

A Different Kind of Abuse
I've posted about verbal abuse on a very personal level.  (Jan 21)  But sometimes abuse doesn't involve words or fists. Sometimes abuse comes in an entirely different form.  As foster parents these were a few of the 69 kids we tried to help:

One family traveled on I-75 from Florida to Michigan, stopping at truck stops along the way so their children could beg for money by carrying cards that said they were deaf mutes.  Their 14 yr. old son didn't want to deceive people anymore.  His parents told him if he didn't start making some money they would leave him there.  He didn't.  They did. 
Really??
 
A 16 yr. old was used to having to pack and move in a hurry on the whim of his mother.  But one day he came home from school and she was gone.  So was all the furniture.
Really??

A 16 yr. old was late coming home from swimming at her friend's house.  She was in a bikini.  It was 10:00 at night.  The house was locked and no one would answer the door.
Really??

A mother decided she didn't want her 3 sons anymore (really?) and gave them up for adoption.  Two of the boys (youngest and oldest) were adopted together but the middle son couldn't go.  The adoptive family said he didn't get along with his older brother. 
Really??

A 13 yr. old was raped by her father.  Her mother didn't want her anymore.  She said it was her fault her father was in prison.
Really??

Why do some parents think that because it's their kids, they can do whatever they want with them or to them?  I guess I'm not really looking for an answer to this, but maybe just making people aware of some of the kinds of hidden abuse that's going on in our little corner of the world.

Is It a Worthy Story?
I eventually wrote a manuscript (can't call it a book till its published, in my opinion) about our 13 years as foster parents and told the stories of some of those kids and how we managed in a household with 8-10 kids.  I thought it might be helpful to others thinking of fostering or maybe just an interesting read.  It took me 2 years from start to finish but I was unable to find an agent that was interested.  Now I know why.
My first attempt (as with most first wannabe books) wasn't very good.  I read it now and can see all kinds of things I would change.
But my question is this...does this sound like a story I should dig out of the file cabinet (or deep out of the hard drive of my computer) and redo?  Is this the kind of story people would be interested in reading?  Or should it be left alone to serve as a memory I cherish?  I would appreciate your opinion on this.

Stretch Potatoes:
This is a recipe I used when I was the 'old lady in the shoe' and had 'so many children'.....

When I was little my mother would make browned potatoes for a side dish which was just cubed potatoes browned in a skillet. The next night she would take the left-over potatoes and make what she called 'stretch potatoes'. Stretched for another meal. She would toss the left-overs back into a hot skillet and add eggs that had been whipped up. And we had another side for another meal.

Well, I took that to a whole 'nother level with my many kids. And this is my stretch potatoes for 8-10 teenagers and 2 adults:

5 large potatoes, diced and boiled till tender, then drained
1lb bacon, cut in small pieces and browned in skillet
1 dozen eggs, whipped in bowl

Now the part that will be hard for you to hear, but is part of the browning process, don't drain the bacon fat off. Yep, that's right. Keep bacon and the fat in skillet, add the tender potatoes and the whipped eggs and stir occasionally till all is browned to perfection.

This is really good and can be served as a breakfast or, as we did, as a small portion side with smoked sausage.  And it's so easy to cut the recipe down to fit a much smaller family. I use 2 pieces of bacon and 1 small potato and 1 egg for myself and that makes a meal for me. Now it doesn't sound quite so bad....does it?

Previews:
Oh crap!  Last post I said I was going to start doing a preview of what was coming...but as of this post...ummm....I haven't decided for sure which that will be.  The last couple days have been so busy and thoughts have been running through my head faster than I can write them down. 
I need a tape recorder to keep in the car cause that's where I've been with my thoughts for the last 2 days.  I get an idea all worked out but by the time I get home...poof...part of it is in the traffic jam I was in and part of it has dropped off at one of the hundred or so places I've been. 
Ok, that was an exaggeration, but you get the idea.  I can't write much at red lights or waiting in traffic so I really need to invest in a good tape recorder.  Do they still make tape recorders or is there another new tech thing that's passed me by?

Quotes of the Day:
It's important to talk about it. You raise awareness. But you can also prevent it (child abuse) by not letting it be a secret.    --Chris Witty

A lot of people in our community don't want to believe that child abuse happens in their neighborhoods — but it does.     --Shari Pulliam